Thursday, 17 April 2014

Under cozy lilac covers.

The studying went poorly, the houseguests were surprisingly fun, my wireless internet sucks, and it's midday without yet a shower, so this will be brief. 
My school is done for the year. Now the hard part starts. Now I have the time to do all my to-do's, to look after myself. Now I have to not waste this precious opportunity. To stay off FB, to avoid online browsing, to stay out of my bed, to actually do what I want to do.
So far today I've done each of those three things I'm not to do, and I've forgotten to take my medicines too. Damn. I really need a checklist. Step 1: get up...
Sadly a check-list if daily living would provably help. 
"Create your own structure," my psychiatrist said. Makes sense. 
Yesterday I started a to-do list. On my laptop. That's not going to help... This, at least, I can type on my phone, which isn't quiiiiite as much of a bottomless pit as the laptop. 

Let's try this instead:
1. Use a paper calendar. 
2. Gather a 3-ring binder, paper, tabs, and sleeves. Add pens and a 3-hole punch. Put it in a basket. That's a start.
3. Put the calendar in that basket too. 

For today, let's start easy:
1. Shower and dress. 
2. Drop off and pick up the requested books at the library.
3. Pick up child (that one's non-negotiable). And wonderful. 
4. Do the dishes. That's one's surprisingly strongly repellant... Why?... It's boring, I suppose. It's boring... I'm down and I don't want to get out of bed. I'm dirty, which makes me want to hide in bed, but I feel too... lazy to shower. If I could just stay in bed... I actually would. I had hours of sleep, with a sleeping pill, but I would prefer to stay right here in bed... But for the guilt and the desire to be a good mother, a good wife, for me beloved boys, a non-shamed person, for myself. This is honesty. This is... depression. It's heavy and sad. 
This sad self better get up now, take 3 prescribed pills waiting in the cupboard 10' away, and GET IN THE SHOWER. 
One day at a time girl. One day at a time. 
Phone down. Shower. Go. ...
Nowhere. :) At least I can laugh at myself. But that's not helping. 
Another day. A better day. 
You can do this. 
I can do this. Right now I don't know that I can. Yes, I can start with a shower, add a clean kitchen, and make my boys smile. God I love them. Tears of joy, tears of sadness. Focus on  their smiles, and go. 
Love yourself. Love yourself even as you are. Especially as you are. You are worthy of love, even as you lie here feeling utterly unloveable. Breathe in love. Then make smiles. Some how. :)

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